Men: Committed To Your Family, Wife

In 1998, I had opportunity to attend a week-long leadership event at The Gallup Institute in Lincoln, NE. These are same Gallup folk who do all the Gallup Research projects. While they were putting students through a series of tests, interviews and personal assessment, Gallup was also using what they learned as research.

A part of our week included a visit to the University of Nebraska, where we heard a lecture about former Cornhusker head coach Tom Osborne, who had retired after 25 years. Osborne went on to serve in Congress and served as Nebraska’s athletic director before retiring last year.

In 25 years of coaching, Osborne’s Cornhuskers never won fewer than nine games in a season, finished in the top 15 for 24 or 25 seasons, finishing 24th in 1990. They won national championships in 1994 and 1995 and shared the 1997 crown. They won or shared 12 Big Eight conference titles and one Big 12 conference title. His record was 255-49-3 giving him an 83.6 percent winning percentage. He won 250 games faster than any coach in Division 1-A history.

Here’s what I learned about Osborne’s success. He coached play-by-play, series-by-series, believing that if he won plays, accumulated x number of rushing yards in a game, had punts that averaged x number of yards, his team would likely win the game. He coached play-by-play, trusting that the cumulative of small successes would end with a scoreboard victory. If you take care of the day-to-day, the scoreboard will take care of itself.

Men, it's the same with our marriages. And, spiritually healthy marriages lead to spiritually healthy families.

In Ephesians 5:22-23, Paul writes, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.”

Men, if you keep reading down through v. 30, you will see that Paul overwhelmingly writes to husbands, who must serve as the spiritual leaders of their homes. We read this passage of Scripture and snicker at the notion of submissive wives, but Paul's words are really for men in the role of husband. I believe the husband is the spiritual leader of his home, and I believe that as he leads his family according to fullness of Scripture, loving and respecting his wife, the family should respect and follow him. Ephesians 5:22-23 is not a privilege for men, but a responsibility for men.

Healthy marriages begin with a man who is committed to Jesus and who is committed to leading his family in faith. The Lord leads the husband to lead his family and the man's leadership will always be squared with Scripture. Public opinion won't affect his leadership. And, the man's leadership will always begin with love for his wife.

All too often, we get focused on the big picture of a successful marriage. What's needed is less scoreboard-watching and more day-by-day love of our spouses. I just believe that if we can string together enough great days in marriage, the long-term health of my marriage will be just fine. And, as a man, that day-to-day investment in a great marriage begins with me. So, here are some thoughts for all of us spiritual leaders:

1. Love your wife as Christ loved the church. (Ephesians 5:25). How did Christ love the church? No-limit sacrifice without looking back. You do anything you can for your wife and you don’t worry about what she does for you. Your sacrifice is a gift.
2. Love your wife as you love yourself. (Ephesians 5:28-33). You care for your body every day, brushing your teeth, eating your meals, exercising, reading . . . every day should begin with this question, “Sweetheart, what can I do for you today?”
3. Be considerate as you live with your wife, with respect (1 Peter 3:7). The Bible also says if men neglect this command their prayers will be hindered. How do you show respect to someone? Don’t speak badly about your wife in casual conversation. Don’t embarrass her. If it gets on her nerves, stop doing it.
4. Do not be harsh with your wife. (Colossians 3:19). If you have a sensitive wife, take a deep breath before you lose your temper or speak harshly. Think about how you feel when employers or supervisors at work treat you that way.
5. The husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but to his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). A good lover starts with the other person’s sexual satisfaction. Make it about her; romance always wins the day.
6. Rejoice in your wife (Proverbs 5:18-19) – Your wife and your wife alone is the only woman in your life. She is the queen of your life. You should look on no other woman – friend or stranger or porn star – in the same way you look on your wife.
7. And that women may be dressed in simple clothing, with a quiet and serious air; not with vanity about her hair and gold or jewels or expensive clothing (1 Timothy 2:9). Your wife should not be another man’s stumbling block in thought or deed, and you should love your wife without the makeup just as much as you love her with the makeup.
8. Call your wife ‘blessed’ and praise her. (Proverbs 31:28-29). Don’t take your wife for granted, praise her sacrifices and actions for the family.
9. Tell your wife how captivated you are with her body. (Song of Solomon 4:7). God made your wife. God makes no mistakes. Love every part of her. If there’s something you want to change about her, start first with yourself.
10. Honor your marriage; keep it pure by remaining true to your wife in every way. (Hebrews 13:4) Matthew 5:28, Jesus reminds us that where your treasure is located there is your heart. Make sure your treasure begins with your wife.

Win each day and win the game.

Love, Honor & Cherish

Marriage is important to God. It is serious business.

You and I were created for relationships, and the Bible is all about relationships - our vertical relationship with God, through Jesus, and our relationships with others.
St. Augustine made the statement, “our hearts are restless until we find our rest in God.” We were designed for a relationship with Him.
God created us to have relationship with others – people we could live and learn with. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 12:18-21,  “But now God has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired.” In preparation for this lesson, I read this statement, "If God deeply desires to place us in relationship with the body of Christ (the church), doesn’t that mean He also desires to place us with the spouse of His choice?"
Do you see that shift? It's not about who we want to marry - or arrange for our children to marry - but who God desires to place us with.
Marriage then, for me, becomes a supernatural, God-valued, serious part of our lives.

But, why would God create marriage? Why is it important?
Marriage is the most intimate (closest) of human relationships. Of all your Earthly relationships - all of them - the closest, the most intimate, the most endeared is the one with your spouse. No relationship trumps the relationship with your spouse. If others - even children - have come between you and your spouse, your marriage is in trouble.

Why is the marriage relationship the most precious? In Romans 8:29, Paul writes, "For God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to become like His son (Christ-like)." We know from Jeremiah that God knew us before we were born, and God desires us to be conformed to the image of His son, Jesus. Marriage - being bound to someone for a lifetime - forces us to care for someone other than self, to consider someone other than self, to love someone more than self. What better than marriage sharpens us toward putting self aside and being more like Jesus? Remember the traditional vows: Love, Honor & Cherish (putting spouse ahead of self) Until Death Do Us Part?

Marriage is God's way of teaching us to be more Christ-like. Knowing this about marriage helps us understand why we should be praying every day for our spouse. Single folk should be praying for their future spouse. Parents should be praying for the future spouses of their children . . . and grandchildren. Who do you have chosen, Lord, and hear and direct my prayers for them?

The problem in our culture, friends, is that we don't take seriously the things of God. We have reduced church - the bride of Christ - to another organization through which to impress our friends. We claim to pray for others, but never do it. We've trivialized marriage. Many marriages are doomed to fail before they even begin.

In some faiths, marriage (Matrimony) is a Holy sacrament. Even in Baptist services, pastors and officiants will refer to Holy Matrimony. Matrimony is a union; wedlock means joined or locked together. Holy means "set apart." And, so marriage is a bound - locked - relationship that is set apart by God - set apart from all the other relationships in your life. Because it is a relationship set apart by God, God has His hands on it. It's a covenant with God - a solemn and binding relationship meant to last a lifetime. God is so serious about His covenants with us - including marriage - that He sees them as a Walk into Death. God sees these covenants as a walk all the way to death. In the Old Testament, when two people made a covenant with one another, a goat or lamb would be slain and its carcass would be cut in half. With the two halves lying on the ground, the two people forming the covenant would solemnize their promise by walking between the carcass halves. That's how serious God sees marriage.

I don't like television shows like The Bachelor because it takes a God-breathed covenant like marriage and dumbs it down to our culture. Marriage is not a whimsical affair. We focus more on rings, dresses, flowers, parties, showers, bachelor parties, registering and honeymoon trips than we focus on the Holiness of what we are entering - a lifetime commitment with another human toward the goal of sharpening one another into deeper followers of Jesus. I refuse to officiate a wedding that, in planning and delivery, replaces holiness with culturalism. That's not to say that you can't have all the fun - I love a good wedding reception - but the celebration should be the union of two people and their covenant with God. What would a wedding reception look like if families of the bride and groom circled them for prayer before the party began? Many people enter marriage with a focus on the ceremony and parties - not the lifetime commitment that follows when all the guests go home.

The covenant is for a lifetime - until death do us part - because God doesn't go away and neither should we. God expects the covenant to stay around, too. And, marriage doesn't get easier as you grow older nor does a 25- or 50-year Anniversary translate into an immunity from problems. Many empty-nesters find their marriages have "lost purpose" once the children are grown, and spouses begin to look for new territory. As we get older, we begin to think about "bucket lists" that we want to accomplish without our spouses along. Satan hates God, and God is at the center of marriage. No marriage - until death has claimed it - is secure from Satan's attacks.

What about divorce? Clearly, and without question, divorce is not a a part of the marriage equation. That's why so much due diligence is required before marriage. It's why parents must coach children toward dating / engagement that involves prayer, faith conversations, parental counseling and formal counseling. Young people must know that marriage is serious business and divorce is not an option. But . . . certainly divorce is a reality in our broken world. Divorce is inevitable because of our broken world. Even in the Old Testament, Moses permitted divorce provided the two parties wrote a letter requesting it. Even in Moses' day it was relatively easy to get a divorce, but Moses required the letter to ensure the parties had thought it through.

Jesus was asked about divorce in Matthew 19:5-6. He responded this way, "Haven’t you read Scripture? God made them male and female. This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into ONE. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one separate them for God has joined them together.”
Someone asked Jesus, “Well, what about Moses and that letter-writing business?”
Jesus said, “Moses permitted divorce as a concession to your hard-hearted wickedness, but it was not what God originally wanted. And, I tell you this, a man who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery – unless his wife has been unfaithful.” (And, in our culture, that goes both ways)."

In fact, Paul, in 2 Corinthians, implies that if you aren't going to take marriage gravely seriously, it’s better to remain single.

So, what are the purposes of a marriage:

1. Cooperation – Genesis 2:18, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Comparable to him means similar and equal to him, compatible, to help and support one another in all things. It’s a partnership because two heads are better than one. Cooperation toward what? Making disciples of Jesus . . . not pooling money or working together for a better economic status.
2. Procreation – Procreation is about preserving humankind from extinction. But, understand this, Christianity does not make procreation or children the primary purpose of marriage – the primary purpose is cooperation. That’s why childless couples should not grieve God’s plan for them. Procreation – producing children from a sanctified home - is equivalent to generating missionaries into a hopeless world. God wants these children raised in faith so they can go marry someone who is a believer, and continue making disciples.
3. Sexual Intimacy - It's the sexual intimacy that protects the marriage against adultery and fornication (consensual intercourse between two non-married people). In 1 Corinthians 7:1-16, Paul writes that "the wife’s body does not belong to her and the man’s body does not belong to him. Each should fulfill their marital responsibilities; not depriving one another except by mutual consent." If you start monkeying around with sexual intimacy in your marriage – using it as a weapon, being influenced by sinful self-esteem about how your body looks, allowing yourself to get so busy that you are too tired – I promise that your marriage will begin to unravel. We are sexual beings made aware of it by man’s fall in the garden of Eden. When sexual intimacy disappears from marriage, most people will give in to a lack of self control and find the intimacy in other places - pornography if not adultery. The door becomes wide open for Satan to bombard the marriage. Christian Marriage elevates the bodily union to become a spiritual union, through the Holy Spirit, just as the Holy Spirit works in the Baptismal water to make humans a new creation.  The Holy Spirit also works in the couple during the marital ceremony, through prayers and faith to unite them in the Lord.  Through the commitments made by the bride and groom in fulfilling the commandments of marriage, and the work of the Holy Spirit, the two partners become one.
4. Reigning – Genesis 1:28, “God said them – man and woman, whom He created separately and purposefully – be fruitful and multiply, and fill the Earth and subdue it.” We must be good stewards and good managers of God’s creation, and I like to further than by saying, “We must be reminded to lead our families in making disciples of Jesus so that all who are on the Earth hear the gospel.”

In closing, I want to give you a few practical things to think about and discuss with your spouse concerning your day-to-day relationship.

1. Love your spouse as God loves us. Sacrificially. What can I put aside to make my spouse’s day better? What can I sacrifice? What speaks love into my spouse: Quality time, encouraging words, gifts, a hug or hand-holding, acts of service? My life? My body?
2. Honor your spouse. 1 Peter 3:7, paraphrased, honor your spouse – be considerate and treat them with respect. Not because they earn it but because through your covenant they deserve it. Being considerate means considering your spouse's feelings and responses before you act; respect them by holding them up as revered – not chiseling away at their reputation.
3. Cherish your spouse. Cherish means “To cultivate with care – to make the person feel special – the most special person to you.” Here's how we cherish our spouse:
1. Sacrifice.
2. Listening.
3. Touching.
4. Being With Them In Public.
5. Saying Kind Things About Them In Public.
6. Sharing Responsibilities.
7. Never Allowing Children or Parents or Siblings To Come Between Spouses.
8. Admiration.
9. Respect.
10. Seeing Every Day As Valentine’s Day.
11. Opening Doors Of Possibility – "Where You Go, I Go."
12. Taking Time To Be Alone With One Another.
13. And, Men, Providing Spiritual Leadership. Men: Have you abandoned spiritual leadership in your home?

Marriage is serious business. Marriage is serious to God because it sharpens us as followers of Jesus and it produces disciples. It is a contract with God. And, God takes His contracts seriously.

Christmas Warmth

No one will ever convince me, ever, not ever, that you can go to a building each week, sit as a spectator for one hour, never be introduced to another person, and then claim you were in church. Being with the church is about being in a meaningful group, surrounded by people you can join in fellowship, love and service together, and be warmed by the family of faith. Being with the church is not about being a consumer; it's about investing your entire life into other people.

In Ecclesiastes 4:7-11, the great King Solomon is reflecting on his life, which he largely lived apart from God. He's lamenting in this look back, and he's offering wise counsel for all of us: "Don't live like me." In these verses, Solomon equates going at life "alone" as meaningless. His words also remind us that:

• We should avoid working so hard and long that relationships are compromised.
• Two people working together can get twice the work accomplished.
• When trouble comes, one can help the other.
• In the coldness of the night, two can keep each other warm.
• Two - and even more - can protect one another from harm.

The reason we have Christmas parties is to celebrate the value of relationship that Solomon writes about. And, when those parties and celebrations are framed in faith - by families of faith (churches, Sunday School classes and small groups) - we are reminded of the warmth that comes from being a part of a family of faith. Christmas gives us that gift.

My dad was very involved in our community’s Empty Stocking drive at Christmas each year. The community came together, donating toys and coats and food items, packaged it all together in church basements.and warehouses. Families would join together to sort and package the items from lists provided by the community's social services. And, then on Christmas Eve, men - mostly through the community's Jaycee organization - would take the lists and deliver the toys, clothing and food.

Late one Christmas Eve, my dad had one final delivery. He took me with him because we were headed home to a family Christmas celebration afterward. The delivery was to a “neighborhood” of dilapidated mobile homes arranged in a neighborhood along a red clay hill with a ragged dirt road connecting the housing units. By the time we got to this small, shabby community, it was almost dusk. My dad parked his panel van and went house-to-house delivering boxes. I won’t ever get over the images of that evening. I was surrounded by poverty.

Poverty is ugly because it reveals the hardest reality of life. In describing the poverty (my word) of life, Dickens wrote in A Christmas Carol, about man's condition at the crossroads of "Ignorance and Want." Poverty, for me, is that place where people want xyz, but don't care enough about themselves or others to even try and achieve it. It's a horror. And, that's what my boyish eyes saw that evening delivering toys to the neighborhood. I saw a generational cycle of poverty - "wanting" but no desire to improve.

Before you and I thumb our collective nose at those living in cycles of economic poverty, let me add a dimension to it. As King Solomon reminds us - we need each other. We need each other for warmth, security, defense and support. Going at life alone is foolish. Going at life alone is another form of poverty - the absence of the warmth of other believers is a horrible place of poverty. Human Nature craves relationships - poverty is not caring about or ignoring that impulse. The Holy Spirit, I believe, craves relationships with other believers - poverty is not caring about or ignoring that conviction.

I know a lot of affluent people living in poverty. They are surrounded by friends, and yet don't have a single friend in faith. They don't have one person in whom they can confess life's pain for fear their social friends will quickly turn to whisperers. They don't have one person who will hold their hand and pray over them; not a flippant "I will pray for you" that never results in prayer. They don't have one person who will "drop everything" and come running to provide Christian warmth in this cold world.

This is a form of poverty: Being surrounded by "friends" and yet not having a single one in faith.

On occasion, my church youth group would have bonfires. We would gather for food, music, devotion and, yes, flirting. Just before one of those bonfires, our beloved youth director, Ron McClure, called a few of us together for an object lesson. On a blackboard, he drew a bonfire with several rings around it. The fire represented the faith family with its light and its warmth. Each circle around the fire represented where people stood in relationship to the fire. The further people stood from the fire the more they stood in the cold and dark. He told us to be attentive to where people stood at the upcoming bonfire. Who would be nearest the fire, fully enjoying the bonfire? Who would be standing further removed? Who would be standing in the shadows? Who would not even be there? He reminded us:

• Believers will always want to be as close to the fire as possible, but many don't know how to break through the crowd to get there. How can we keep the inner circle open?
• Sometimes the fire can be too hot for people, and we have to let them be content to stand a few steps behind, but always inviting them to be closer.
• Many in the shadows choose to be there because, sadly, it's gotten comfortable to be in the dark and the cold. There's no risk in the shadows, it's easy to be invisible, and it's easy to walk away. But, these good people will never fully know the joy, peace, love and hope that comes from the warmth of being arm-in-arm with other believers. Friends, I've been there. Scott Vaughan has been in the shadows while being at the church property every single Sunday.
• How do we invite more people to the bonfire? We are surrounded by people who want to be with us, who need to be with us, but don't know it's available or the benefits of it. Keep in mind, some of these are regularly sitting in worship services - never fully experiencing the benefits of faith community.

Where are you? Are you as close to the fire of faith as possible? Are you out there in the shadows, engaged in the exercise of casual faith? Are you showing up here and there, sitting back, perhaps waiting on your spouse to endorse taking faith to the next level, wanting to get more involved in the exercise of faith but just not able to pull the trigger . . . afraid of what they might expect or ask you to do?

If you are warm and cozy beside the fire, are you turning around and making room for others to join you at the fire? Or, have you slipped into ugly "faithful sin" - claiming the warmth and forgetting about those not at the fire? I'm guilty. So are you.

Solomon reminds us that there is power, protection, service, love, warmth, and defense when we are joined with one another in the family of faith. It's time for some of us to step up to the fire, and for others to make room. Jesus came for such a reason as this one - that the gospel comes alive through the warmth of faith relationships.

              

              
                

Companionship

A key leader at Lexington Baptist Church, Jerry Tarlton, died this past week. All of those who knew Jerry have a blessed assurance that he is with Jesus today.

The visitation was this past Friday night, advertised from 6-8 p.m., at Caughman-Harman Funeral Home in Lexington.

I wanted badly to be at the visitation, to speak to Jerry’s wife Pat, and to meet his family. I also wanted to be around my “faith family” that I knew would be assembling there. I wanted to pay my respects to Jerry’s memory, too. But, my Pony League baseball team had a game on Friday night. Knowing how much Jerry loved baseball and our local Dixie program, I knew he would want me to be at the game rather than the visitation.

The game wrapped up about 8:30. Vicki and I met at home about 9, and decided to grab some dinner. Since I can remember, I have celebrated baseball victory with Kentucky Fried Chicken. So, off we went to KFC, passing Caughman-Harman Funeral Home on the way. There were still cars in the parking lot – an hour after the visitation was supposed to have ended. So, we made a last minute decision to step inside the visitation.

At 10:10 p.m., Vicki and I got home from the visitation (with our chicken). The visitation for this good man lasted almost four hours – far beyond the advertised time.

Standing at the end of the receiving line, I overheard someone say, “I knew that Jerry knew lots of people, but I had no idea that he touched so many people's lives.” Do you see the powerful difference in knowing and serving?

Through Lexington Baptist Church involvement, our local Dixie baseball league, his work with Farm Bureau Insurance and living within our community, Jerry Tarlton had plowed his life into a lot of people and allowed a lot of people to plow into his life as well. I was deeply reminded of why we live this life we are given: We live it to link arm-in-arm with other believers to love and serve the Lord, to love and serve others, and to open ourselves to be loved and to be served. (Yep, it’s important for us to allow others to exercise faith in our direction – to fail at that is sinful.)

In Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, the great King Solomon writes: “Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But, how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”

These verses are about companionship, especially among like-minded followers of Jesus. Where are you? Are you linked arm-in-arm with other believers? Have you pulled a seat up to the camp fire? Are you in the game? Or, are you trying to navigate this life all by yourself? Are you on the fringe of fire’s warmth – freezing and in the dark? Are you sitting in the stands, watching the game you should be playing?

And, a warning. Satan is real. He is wanting to destroy you and all that you love.

He wants you and me to be isolated from the fellowship of other believers. He wants us turning to non-believers for good advice on faith, marriage, parenting and relationships. He wants us to be lonely, self-indulged, and looking in the mirror. Because he knows that if we are isolated, well, we will remain in sinful, stale and unfulfilling lives, unchallenged, unchecked, and mediocre at best. No one will come to Jesus because of us.

Companionship.
We were not created to be isolated from one another. We were made to enjoy one another, to lift each other up, and to reflect the Savior who loves us.