Parents: How deep is your love?

My role as a dad is changing.

The days are clearly over when I tucked four little boys into bed, told them wild stories of my childhood, listened to their prayers, kissed three of them (Richard wanted a handshake), and said good-night.

Going and gone are the days of coaching them through sports, being at practices and games when I wasn’t coaching, going to school programs, editing their papers, teaching them to drive, and worrying until they closed the front door at midnight.

After Christmas, we put William on an Amtrak to DC, knowing he would arrive at 2 a.m. in a dark train station, and would need to call a cab for a ride home. My internal "daddy clock" woke me up at 2:30 and I texted him, “I’m checking on you.” The response: “Dad, I’m home. I can take care of myself. Go to sleep.”

Even though two of our boys are only 12 miles away, I sometimes go weeks without seeing them – a few days without even a text or a call. Richard is the best: He will text me anytime the Braves make a roster move.

The boys never ask me for money, but I love surprising them with a $50 transfer when I can. I especially love texting, “I’m cooking Sunday night” and they show up for two hours.

Vicki and I put up the Christmas decorations by ourselves this year – first time in about 25 years.

I love each of those boys as much today as I ever have. I was talking to my dad about this changing of the roles and he said, “I look at you and see you at 9, sitting under that big oak tree, reading a book. I know that’s not you, but I love you just as much today as I loved that little boy.”

Deep love. Big love. Authentic love.
The kind of love that wants to know, that wants to be involved, that wants to fix, that wants to see, that wants to talk, that wants to touch, and that wants quality time.

This bond between parent and child – for a lifetime – is so intense that researches say the death of a child – even up to the child’s age of 53 – is psychologically the worst thing that can happen to a human being. Our love of our children is why we get so angry, still, when we hear about parents abusing their children – it crosses the last frontier of our emotional thresholds.

And, yet, in the spiritual world of God, Jesus, Satan, Heaven and Hell – most parents don’t extend their love to those places. And, that questions whether we really love our children at all. Can a believer really love their children if they do nothing toward introducing them to Jesus, and then guiding – by word and example – that child’s spiritual growth until death do you part? I don’t think so. I think a parent's real love begins with the child's salvation and discipleship, and grows up from there. Sadly, most parents don't get that.

According to research:

• 90 % of believing parents said, “Yes” – it’s important for me to pass down my faith to my children.
• 90 % of believing parents said, “Yes” – I believe my child will have a strong faith when he or she graduates from college.
• But in the 166 hours of any given week week, less than 30 percent of believing parents said they do anything more than taking their child to church services.

And, yet, more than 50 percent of those who follow Jesus today give credit to the Christian witness of their parents. Others give credit to a close family member – like a grandparent. Others point to a close family friend. Few credit the institution of church.

Do you see the problem? Parents introduce children to Jesus and help those children grow. Dropping children in a Sunday School class for 40 minutes fewer than 20 times per year and calling that a “faith example” is not loving your children regardless of how much time, money and conversation you have with that child.

Just How Deep Is Your Love?

Proverbs 22:6 reads, “Direct (teach) your children onto the right path (the gospel), and when they are older, they will not leave it.” The right path being the right path of faith in Jesus. Teaching, directing – means one-on-one or one-to-few faith conversations. Parents:

• Do your children know your faith story? 
• Do your children see you with a Bible? 
• Do you lead your child in praying far from the table blessing? 
• Do your children see you ministering in and through Christian community? 
• Do your children see you living the life you want for them, doing the right thing over the smart thing? 

How much do you really love your children? Do you love them enough to see them know Jesus as their Savior? Do you love them enough to see them surrounded by their own Christian friends? Do you love them enough to guide them through relationships toward the spouse God has chosen for them? Do you love them enough to set in motion a generational legacy of faith?

Are you continuing to coach up your children in faith after they've left the nest? Are you continuing to live a day-to-day faith example even in empty nest?

For those who let childhood slip away from faith, the beauty of our faith is that in Jesus each day is new. I can’t tell you how to be a parent to an adult child because I’m learning myself. But, I can tell you that children never stop watching, never stop listening to their parents they respect. 

• Be respectful. 
• Improve your own spiritual life and your priorities, be sincere and authentic and faithful, and reflect Jesus into all of your relationships. Watch the power of Jesus unfold in the lives of your adult children.
• Make Jesus your priority – anchor your decisions in Scripture and let it be known – pray for your children and let them hear it – live faith beyond church attendance. Watch the power of Jesus roll out. I believe it.

How Deep Is Your Love?
How fully committed are you to your children and to your family and to your legacy of faith?

Men: Committed To Your Family, Wife

In 1998, I had opportunity to attend a week-long leadership event at The Gallup Institute in Lincoln, NE. These are same Gallup folk who do all the Gallup Research projects. While they were putting students through a series of tests, interviews and personal assessment, Gallup was also using what they learned as research.

A part of our week included a visit to the University of Nebraska, where we heard a lecture about former Cornhusker head coach Tom Osborne, who had retired after 25 years. Osborne went on to serve in Congress and served as Nebraska’s athletic director before retiring last year.

In 25 years of coaching, Osborne’s Cornhuskers never won fewer than nine games in a season, finished in the top 15 for 24 or 25 seasons, finishing 24th in 1990. They won national championships in 1994 and 1995 and shared the 1997 crown. They won or shared 12 Big Eight conference titles and one Big 12 conference title. His record was 255-49-3 giving him an 83.6 percent winning percentage. He won 250 games faster than any coach in Division 1-A history.

Here’s what I learned about Osborne’s success. He coached play-by-play, series-by-series, believing that if he won plays, accumulated x number of rushing yards in a game, had punts that averaged x number of yards, his team would likely win the game. He coached play-by-play, trusting that the cumulative of small successes would end with a scoreboard victory. If you take care of the day-to-day, the scoreboard will take care of itself.

Men, it's the same with our marriages. And, spiritually healthy marriages lead to spiritually healthy families.

In Ephesians 5:22-23, Paul writes, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.”

Men, if you keep reading down through v. 30, you will see that Paul overwhelmingly writes to husbands, who must serve as the spiritual leaders of their homes. We read this passage of Scripture and snicker at the notion of submissive wives, but Paul's words are really for men in the role of husband. I believe the husband is the spiritual leader of his home, and I believe that as he leads his family according to fullness of Scripture, loving and respecting his wife, the family should respect and follow him. Ephesians 5:22-23 is not a privilege for men, but a responsibility for men.

Healthy marriages begin with a man who is committed to Jesus and who is committed to leading his family in faith. The Lord leads the husband to lead his family and the man's leadership will always be squared with Scripture. Public opinion won't affect his leadership. And, the man's leadership will always begin with love for his wife.

All too often, we get focused on the big picture of a successful marriage. What's needed is less scoreboard-watching and more day-by-day love of our spouses. I just believe that if we can string together enough great days in marriage, the long-term health of my marriage will be just fine. And, as a man, that day-to-day investment in a great marriage begins with me. So, here are some thoughts for all of us spiritual leaders:

1. Love your wife as Christ loved the church. (Ephesians 5:25). How did Christ love the church? No-limit sacrifice without looking back. You do anything you can for your wife and you don’t worry about what she does for you. Your sacrifice is a gift.
2. Love your wife as you love yourself. (Ephesians 5:28-33). You care for your body every day, brushing your teeth, eating your meals, exercising, reading . . . every day should begin with this question, “Sweetheart, what can I do for you today?”
3. Be considerate as you live with your wife, with respect (1 Peter 3:7). The Bible also says if men neglect this command their prayers will be hindered. How do you show respect to someone? Don’t speak badly about your wife in casual conversation. Don’t embarrass her. If it gets on her nerves, stop doing it.
4. Do not be harsh with your wife. (Colossians 3:19). If you have a sensitive wife, take a deep breath before you lose your temper or speak harshly. Think about how you feel when employers or supervisors at work treat you that way.
5. The husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but to his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). A good lover starts with the other person’s sexual satisfaction. Make it about her; romance always wins the day.
6. Rejoice in your wife (Proverbs 5:18-19) – Your wife and your wife alone is the only woman in your life. She is the queen of your life. You should look on no other woman – friend or stranger or porn star – in the same way you look on your wife.
7. And that women may be dressed in simple clothing, with a quiet and serious air; not with vanity about her hair and gold or jewels or expensive clothing (1 Timothy 2:9). Your wife should not be another man’s stumbling block in thought or deed, and you should love your wife without the makeup just as much as you love her with the makeup.
8. Call your wife ‘blessed’ and praise her. (Proverbs 31:28-29). Don’t take your wife for granted, praise her sacrifices and actions for the family.
9. Tell your wife how captivated you are with her body. (Song of Solomon 4:7). God made your wife. God makes no mistakes. Love every part of her. If there’s something you want to change about her, start first with yourself.
10. Honor your marriage; keep it pure by remaining true to your wife in every way. (Hebrews 13:4) Matthew 5:28, Jesus reminds us that where your treasure is located there is your heart. Make sure your treasure begins with your wife.

Win each day and win the game.

Committed

I had lunch with a friend this past week, and he began telling me about a half marathon he wants to run next month. Much to my surprise, he began telling me about his training over the past several months. I was surprised because I had never heard him talk about the training. Really, you run?

“I don’t talk about it much,” he said. “People get over-focused on finishing time. My goal is to maintain my pace and finish the race. If I can push through the pain and exhaustion, and a bad knee, and finish the race, I don’t care about my time or my place.”

In the 8th grade, I joined the Boy Scouts with all of my best childhood friends. We had been in Cub Scouts together and this was a natural progression. We thought it would be fun.

But, quickly, we realized that while Cub Scouts was an after-school activity with our moms involved, Boy Scouts was a lot more serious and required a lot more commitment.

• Some of my friends dropped out pretty quickly because they thought wearing the uniform was silly – other friends would make fun of them or shun them for being in “Boy Scouts.”
• Some of my friends dropped out when they realized you actually had to attend meetings on Monday evenings, from 7-9 p.m., at the VFW clubhouse.
• Some of my friends dropped out when they realized you had to do something. You had to buy a Scout handbook and use it, and work on advancing toward being a better Boy Scout measured by rank (Tenderfoot, Second Class, First Class, Star, Life and Eagle) – and by leadership position, patrol leaders and assistants, quartermaster, librarian, or the chef crew.
• Some dropped out when they realized we went camping in the muggy summer heat and freezing mountain winter, and we couldn’t take the comforts of home, and we ate beans out of a can.
• Some dropped out because others dropped out. Without my friends involved, is this really a place for me to be involved?

Within two years, I was in Scouts without all my close friends. I was surrounded by new boys that I didn’t know that well.

I began looking for an exit strategy. I stopped attending meetings, I stopped working on my advancement, and that summer – I just announced that I was quitting. Well, not really quitting, but I figured I could easily just fade away and no one would really notice. After a while, my parents would stop making me to Scouts. After all, it was a 20-mile round trip drive to the scout meetings every Monday evening.

I had missed several weeks, and one summer evening I received a call from our scoutmaster, Mr. Dick DeWitt. Mr. DeWitt was a airline pilot and he talked to us like young men - not like little boys. He communicated respect and we respected him.

“Scott,” he said. “I want to talk to you about commitment.” Mr. DeWitt was a Delta pilot, and he was educated. He didn’t talk to me like a 15-year-old. He talked to me like the man he saw me becoming. “I know when a boy joins our troop if he will stick with it or if he will quit.  I know when a boy joins if he’s really got a spine up his back or if he’s just following a crowd in the door. All those boys who came with you, I expected every one of them to quit – but I did not expect it of you. I want you to be here next Monday night, at the meeting, and I want you to finish this race.”

I did stay in Scouts. I got my Eagle Scout award - Scout's highest honor. I was initiated into Scouting's Order of the Arrow. My Wolf Patrol dominated competitions in the troop and beyond. When I graduated high school, I was an junior assistant scoutmaster of the troop. Joe Thornton, whom I didn't really know when I joined scouts, became one of my closest high school friends and a great encourager. The rest of them became like brothers to me.

When I got my Eagle in December 1976, there was a reception after the ceremony at the local United Methodist Church. Mr. DeWitt pulled me off to the side, away from everyone and said, “If you commit to something, finish the race. Our world is full of quitters and people who want to lurk in the shadows – no commitment. Don’t be that person. And, don’t let those you love be those people.”

Mr. DeWitt was a Presbyterian. He didn’t reference 2 Timothy 4:7, but when I hear that verse, I often think of him. “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race. I have kept the faith.” Certainly, it speaks to my spiritual journey and finishing it well, but it also reminds me to be "all in" when I commit to join something or engage something.

In this passage of Scripture, Paul is coming to the end of his life and he’s writing to Timothy. He is saying, “I have been true to my calling – to preserve the gospel and make Jesus known.” Note that Paul does not say he won the race – just that he finished it. In v. 8, he speaks confidently than in finishing the race, “There is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord will give me (when I see Him).”

In the verses leading up to this popular Scripture verse, look at what else Paul tells Timothy:

• Preach the word. Make the gospel known. Each of us should be intentional about making the gospel known.
• Be persistent whether the time is favorable or unfavorable. Make the most of every opportunity.
• Correct, rebuke and encourage tempered with patience and (Scripture as your guide) . . . for (v. 3) people will accumulate teachers who tell them what they want to hear (not what they need to hear through Scripture) and they will turn their ears away from truth and truth aside to myths.
•  Keep your head in all situations. Endure suffering. Proclaim the gospel. Be involved in ministry until you die . . . v. 6 “for I am already being poured out.”

Here’s what I take from this – not as a Sunday School teacher, but as a single lone believer – I must be fully committed to the race and finish it. It’s not possible for me to approach faith half-heartedly or over-simplified or privately or seasonally. Scripture does not allow for a rest stop because I’m suddenly an empty-nester. Empty-nest may alter or slow my Christian Community involvement, but I am not excused from Jesus’ directive to make disciples. Life's circumstances do not excuse me from Jesus' direction to make disciples or the Holy Spirit's leading me to Christian Community.

My personal faith journey must guide everything else in my life – family, friends, workplace – everything. There is no room for me in the shadows of faith, including the Jesus’ church. Scripture, prayer, Christian Community, sharing the gospel – these continually mark the race that I must finish. And, you must finish it, too.

New Year's Resolutions

Successful New Year's Resolutions always involve two things: Passion and Accountability. You have to want to do something, and you have to have someone or something that wags a finger in your direction when you lose sight of your goal. It also helps if you can brag a little through social media . . . “Hey, look at me, I accomplished this . . .” Of course, there’s risk with going public . . .especially if you backslide. The person whose says, “Hey, I lost 30 pounds” on social media looks foolish when they gain back 50.

My mother’s mom was a Middle School teacher for 36 years. To keep her mind sharp, she resolved to do two things: She kept a daily journal of the day’s weather and important sports’ scores – like the daily Braves' score. She also worked a daily crossword puzzle. She also quit smoking. She lived to be 92. She left us with more than 500 small wire bound, steno notebooks. In early August 1998, at 87, she wrote of one day, “Hot.” The next day, she wrote, “Still very hot.” The next day, she wrote, “Hot as hell.”

While I respected and respect in memorial my grandmother's resolutions, her approach was short-sighted and not a Biblical approach to life management or what I call "life stewardship." You see, the best resolutions for us - as believers - are those that help us live longer and live better, maximizing our opportunities for sharing the gospel and making disciples. If I lose weight just for me, well, that's sinful. But, if I lose weight as part of a strategy to improve my quality of life to better serve others, well, that's using Resolutions as part of spiritual growth.

The Bible does not promote or denounce our little habit of New Year’s Resolutions. To the Lord, there’s no difference in Dec. 31 or Jan. 1. But, Scripture does promote taking care of ourselves while we are on this Earth. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 : Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to  yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."

The No. 1 resolution every year is to lose weight or get in physical shape. The reason most people is because they do it for themselves rather than as preparation of themselves to serve others. Also, people want quick results with minimal effort. That never happens.

Since the 8th grade, when I was a chubby-cheeked teenager, I've battled a weight problem. I love to cook, I love to eat my cooking. I also love ice cream. In 2011, I went to the doctor for a routine office visit and my blood pressure was surprisingly high. So high, in fact, that my doctor put me on blood pressure medicine - a pretty high dosage. My youngest brother, whose is also overweight, has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. In December 2013, weighing the most I've ever weighed and eye-balling another increased waist size, I bemoaned my physical condition. My oldest son said, "Dad, if you don't do anything to change, you are just going to get heavier and probably die sooner. You think that's what God wants from you?"

As a believer, I'm not afraid of death, but I am afraid of not finishing well. I want to finish this life well. So, in January 2013, I resolved to eat better and exercise daily, starting with just a 20-minute daily walk around the neighborhood. Quickly, it became something I wanted to do. I joined a gym with an accountability partner. I bought a $5 annual membership to the church gym for the days I didn't go to the more formal gym. On my walks, I learned that I could worship while walking. I listened to faith music, listened to sermons and prayed as I walked 20, 30, 40, and then 60 minutes a day.

In July, I went for my annual physical. I was a little bummed at the scale weight - I had expected to lose more weight. But, my doctor showed me the more important numbers like cholesterol and blood sugar and heart rate. All of those were the best they had been in 22 years. No kidding. My cholesterol fell through the floor. He told me what my gym partner had been telling me - don't be consumed by the scale. Be consumed by new energy and better blood / sugar numbers.

In the past two years, Vicki and I have been faced with dementia. We have walked this journey with Vicki's mama. In 2012, I was convicted about spending far too much time in front of the television and computer screens, and not enough time reading and learning. The best way to keep your body in shape is to exercise it; the best way to keep your mind in shape is to exercise. And, so, I resolved to read 25 books per year and 200 by 2019 - when I turn 60. I read at bedtime and have found no problem in reading 25 books per year.

I go to bed at 10 p.m. and I read at least one chapter or up to 30 minutes. Going to bed earlier, I've found I get up earlier - usually wake up without an alarm clock by 5:30 or 6. There's something to that "early to bed and early to rise" maxim because I do feel better all the way around. As for accountability, well, Vicki's an avid reader and we talk about the books we read.

Again, and I stress this, taking care of yourself is about being in "shape" for ministry - not to brag on Facebook, impress people at the beach, or impress the person in the mirror. In fact, Paul writes in 1 Timothy 4:8, “For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” Godliness is the end goal of all resolutions to improve self. Anything else is likely to fail.

Closing thoughts:

• Make sure your motivation to improve self is for Kingdom service.
• Read Scripture and Pray about how God can use you.
• Don't be discouraged if you slip while on the road to improving your self. Don't use slipping as an excuse, but as motivation to get back on track.
• Expect God to use you. He will. He can. God can use you where you aren't capable of serving alone. In that, life becomes a real adventure!